RICO'S SHOW REEL ! :P

In this video, I wanted to capture natural expressions of joy shared throughout my flat mated. I think this video is really important to this project due to the sole fact that my flat mates are the people who helped and still continue to help me express myself better on a day to day basis. I personally feel that their positivity is contagious and I wanted to share what an average night in flat 91 looks like; this being hours and hours of work with a side of laughs and if you’re lucky, some really good gossip too.

In this interview, I will be questioning my two flat mates, Lucia and Carmen, on how they best express themselves, more specifically; how they show the world who they are.

The Five Stages of Grief

When you hear the word grief, you would automatically assume that it is referring to the loss of somebody else in your life, however in my case it’s the complete opposite, and the person that I am mourning is the person I used to be.

1. Denial: Growing up as a black boy, who also happens to be gay, you could imagine life hasn’t exactly been too keen on seeing me win. Despite this, I used to be the most confident person in the world, a force to be reckoned with who didn’t have time to care what other people thought. However, as I grew up and became more self-aware, I realized that I wasn’t like other boys, I mean I wasn’t like most boys around me anyways, but this difference was different. When you fit into two minority groups, you sometimes feel like you need to choose which battle you want to fight because if you chose both, you will almost always end up on the outskirts, or at least that’s what I believed.

• Anger: First coming to terms with who I was may have been one of the hardest inner conflicts I have faced during my whole life, which is really saying something since I’ve only been here for two decades. I was so mad at myself, I didn’t know how to deal with these emotions, and having trust issues that could only be described as Guinness World Record worthy, the only way I could express myself at home was through rage, which just created more distance between me and the people I cared about the most.

• Bargaining: being surrounded by a new type of love, that I knew I could only get if I was honest with myself, was the most defeating feeling I have ever felt. Despite this, I was determined that I wouldn’t miss out. Young adolescent minds are truly fascinating, and I was what you could only describe as ‘delusional’. I did everything in my power to convince myself that what I was feeling wasn’t completely true, however part of me still doubted that every day.

• Depression: having the realization that you lost yourself, dangling right in front of your face, is one of the rudest, soul-shattering reality checks known to man. At this point in time, I was slowly beginning to understand who I was; however, this didn’t mean that I necessarily liked that, and I felt that I couldn’t ever be in or deserve love because who I was wrong, and even if someone else accepted me, I couldn’t accept myself.

• Acceptance: Through changing the people, I would desperately hang around on a day-to-day basis for the validation I so desperately needed, I realized that their opinions on me and my lifestyle mean nothing at the end of the day. I deserve love, I am worthy, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way god made me. Falling into this mindset opened my eyes to a world completely different to the one I had been living in. I’m not going to bullshit and say I was completely happy with the person I was, but I knew that this is a part of me and why should I change that based on what other people think? After reaching this much needed realization, I even opened my heart to my family, my friends, and it was the most liberating experience I have ever had. After 17 years, I found out that the old Rico never died, and he was living within me all along.